How to start? There is so much to be said and yet there is some emptyness of words right now inside. What should I write, I wonder? Having this intense urge to finally start writing more and then...I am stopped. What is that is so important to be written down? Can I really sum it all up in some words?

 

Right now what is happening is beyond words. The world has stopped. Most of it. We are sitting at home or other places, and wondering. What is this? Is it truly happening? What will our life look like in a month? Or two? Knowing deep inside that the path we were walking was not able to go on forever. We just do and use too much. Want and ruin too much. Still there is an emptyness inside. We want more. More of material things. Or more of immaterial things. But always more. 

 

Our worlds are full of treasures, small things that are taken for granted. Not even seen. Is it because we hurry so much? We don't take time to pause. To stop. Until we are forced to.

 

Fear is a strong force. Right now it is ruling the world. Maybe it is not just right now but this situation just showed us how fearful we really are. What is really inside of our hearts? We make choices everyday, some more, others less important. How many of them are made out of fear? Maybe we do it automatically. But it is there, fear not.

 

 

Can this situation, full of fear and uncertainty actually result in a life filled with more love and trust? I believe it can, if we try to move and do things from that place instead of fear. It is everyday small things that count. Can you be present and smell the flowers, but with your whole being really here? Can you feel the light in your heart that tells you you are much bigger that this body, and can feel beyond? You are connected with the nature and others, can you believe it? 

 

 

To me some days are different than the others. It is hard describing my path because I am still walking it. And I am clueless about where I am going. Right now the biggest uncertainty that bothers me is when I will be able to go home. Not that I am not happy to be here. Just wanting to have the option to go. The freedom. Not feeling entrapment. I am aware that this feeling is produced by mind. So I am training my mind. I am training it to connect to my heart. To hear it say. You are safe here. You are loved here. You are supposed to be here. Trust. You might never understand mentally the reason behind. The reason is inside of you. You just know.

 

Today I cried a lot. I was freaking out. I have been staying in a place that I rent in Argentina almost 4 weeks now. And I already knew that the quarantene would be still present for at least another two weeks. I was actually looking forward to more time inside as I was feeling I have so much more to clean up. I thought though it will get a bit less strict - here they are not supporting people going into the nature, but staying inside. Which is crazy because the nature is a perfect remedy for everything. And if you are there alone, come on.... In the morning I found out the rules are getting stricter. You can go out but just to the shop and just on even or odd days, depending on your passport number? And you have to wear a mask. And no going in the nature. They are giving fines for that.

 

 

This last three weeks I have been sneaking out and went running in the path nearby, where noone goes. I enjoyed going there, observing the magnificent nature around. I am sure I didn't do anything wrong by this, just good. Taking care of ourselves right now is more important than ever. Feeling good, feeling hopeful and alive. It changes the energy and we really need that right now.

 

And now I am not doing even that? Living in a foreign coutry with a very strict and represive system makes me follow the rules more. And to become very creative to swim inside those rules. Walking 6 km to the shop  - right now it is a good things to be living in a place quite distant from the city centre, to be able to legally enjoy walking :).. unfortunately this week it is raining just on the days that I am allowed to go out, oh the irony :):)). They are freaking out because here they are not really many cases of Corona....and what then? They think it will stop? ......right....

 

Hearing the news I was angry. I just felt a bit week and was tottaly open for a good news, and wasn't expecting this? If it is that strict, how long can this last? I walked to my appartment. Crying. I was done. I am exhausted of trying to feel good. I want home. Then started the anger towards me. How stupid I am, I could have gone home, where at least I wouldn't have to spend my money just to sit inside? To do nothing? I am waisting money doing nothing? Why did I listen to myself? Why? Stupid! I cried some more. And more. I haven't cried for a while and considering the situation which is very stressful it was needed. To let it all out. The tension. The doubts. The anger. 

 

Yeah surely listening to my heart can be easy when everything is going easy. Going well. Being light. But what if your heart is telling you to stay in a foreign place instead of going home with the last plane, and later you don't know when you will be able to return home? To a place, the only place you imagine yourself living? Imagined just a month ago? Now that is weird, right?

 

And when my body is centered, my mind is calm, I hear it. I feel the light in my heart. Knowing that this is the place for me right now. Not understanding. Sometimes fighting with the mind. 

But more and more feeling the openness, the love, the peace. Knowing it was the right choice, although not the easiest. Trusting.

 

Well maybe at this point I should say something about my choices in life. It just seems I am choosing harder paths. Not on purpose, looking for them, but following my heart through them. I feel there is something, some jewel inside I guess. It is hard to explain. Because even I don't understand what is happening. That's why it is so important, much more than ever, to trust. To feel and search for the trust and hope inside of me. To let it spread all over. To not be overcome by fears. To see them though. And yeas, surely sometimes admit defit to them, but consciously. Knowing that the last victory is all mine. And there I will go with no fear, just love and openeness !