DAY 4 - CLIMBING BAČIĆ KUK
Wednesday...although up here it didn't matter what day of the week it was. Without our phones and watches time moves in a different way. There is more time. I loved spending time offline and without any devices that distract us from being more present, from feeling more.
As the night before we arrived at the camp after midnight (so much for our expectation that the ascent will last about an hour:)), we could sleep longer in the morning. We weren't in a hurry and we were so happy when we learned we could shower that day:)! After swimming in the river we didn't have a chance to shower. We found a well and used it to take a great shower and it was much enjoyable. We cooked what should have been a dinner the night before (pasta time-and finally there was someone else in charge pf the food - the Italian :)), and started our walk for today. It wasn't long and yet that day we refilled our backpacks with some extra food that would last us untill the end so we were a bit heavier. It was nice when someone had problems taking more stuff we rearanged and who could carry more offered and later we changed. I liked this - listening to the need of another, we were quite good at it during the day....not so much in the early morning or in the evening.
Our camp was quite near and the walk to there was pleasant. We set up the tents and packed our bags for an ascent to Bačič Kuk. It is a stoney hill top just above the camp. It took us less than two hours to get there and the end was challenging as it included some climbing (secured) - it was nice to use our own strenght to get to the top and yes, there it was - the Adriatic sea. Wow, it looked so beautiful and peaceful. And far :). Our goal was there, waiting for us. Remember gave us a motivational speech and despite the wind we enjoyed ourselves on the top. But I already started to feel a bit weak. On the way to the top I had some strong pain in the chest which passed very quickly. But then descending my head started to hurt. It was just the begging of a big headache which spread all over my head after dinner. In between, the descend, I was still enjoying as usual I love to walk downhill. Reaching the camp at night time again I started to cook again. In the beginning nobody else enjoyed cooking so it was kind of already normal that Lilly cooks. And ofter it became normal that Lilly also prepared the breakfast and the lunch....I don't really know why accepted that....At the begining we said that each night there will be a different cook yet I kept on cooking most of the night. I do enjoy it and at the same time could use more ease in the evening, not having to take care of everyone's need for food. When I started to distibrute the food I realised this is too much - now looking back I wished I would have asked before that if I cook domeone else distibrutes the food - it seems a small thing but actually when you are already exhausted it is a big thing. And when I needed to ask more people to clean the dishes after the meals and said clearly that I will not do it (after already cleaning one pot) my frustration grew, along with my headache. When they put bear hang I couldn't even move to go there. I was so looking forward to close for the day and go to bed. I really needed it. And then the instructors said that we have one mission and that is to keep the fire burning all night and to have always two people next to the fire.
I was upset. I was angry. It didn't make sense to me that after already a very hard night our next night would be disturbed. We were all very tired and I was frustrated and wanted that we arrange soon how to split guarding the fire. I volunteered for the morning shift as I am already awake very soon. I made it very clear that I have a headache and was exhausted. I really wanted to be heard and seen for the shape I was in. Some people saw my pain, some were more focused on their own. At the end we managed to make an arrangement that I will come at the end for one hour, while the other's mission was one hour and a half long. Everybody wanted to contribute into guarding the fire. I felt a bit guilty already doing less that others although I felt that I really needed to rest this night. When I went to bed I talked to one group member and she said to go back to the fire and to make sure two girls who are staying there get prepared for the bed, as I am doing the shorter shift. The voice I heard her say this made my guilt grow a lot. I felt bad already, like I was not contributing enough - looking now back this is crazy as I cooked 3 dinners out of 4 and prepared lots of other meals. Surely I had some great help, yet most work was on me and I felt responsible to fill the bellies of other with warm, delicious food and that it would be enough of it for everyone.
Going back to that moment, when the guilt was starting to rise exponentially. I told this girl that the girls staying there told me to go to sleep. She was still insisting for me to go back. At that point I felt so unseen in the crappy condition I was in and not seen for everything I did for this group. As this girl was very dear to me I felt even more hurt. I went back and the girls there told me to go to sleep and that they were ok. They were persistsant and to me it seemed fair that we arrange ourself what to do not that someone else interferes and tells us how to organise. As I was walking back to the tent I really felt bad. Although going to bed and not actually having to wake up soon I could have used well that night and got enough sleep. Yet my guilt was nibbing me from the inside. Am I not doing enough? Could I contribute more? Should I do more and more? But where does this end, the feeling of not doing good enough, not being good enough? Wow, a delicate trigger was activated in my body. I couldn't really sleep the whole night. And at the end I didn't do just an hour shift, as I was awake anyway I voluntered to go to the shift one hour before. Luckily I was doing the shift with Ingebourg. She saw what was going on in me. I just kept on crying. She didn't push me, she was just there. Holding the space for me. Letting me my time to process what happened. I felt so unseen by others that I didn't feel anymore a part of the group. If it wouldn't be for Ingebourg I would totally disconnect from the group. She was my connection. My support. My trust.
DAY 5 - FINDING BACK THE CONNECTION
My frustration continued in the morning as in the end I actually did about 2 hours and a half at the 🔥. So much more than everyone else. Because in the morning when people started to wake up nobody offered to go to the fire and keep it burning, so that I could be released from the duty. I had to ask and got not very supportive response. For me the mornings were chaotic. Instead of preparing ourselves quickly we took so much time. I really don't know why was that. It made me even more upset and disconnected. I wanted us to organise better so we do it more efficiently. I asked them to come to take the bear trap down so we can prepare the food. I went to the girls camp, to the boys camp, they agreed with me that we should do it now and put down the tents and yet nobody came. I got very frustrated. Where was the misunderstanding? What went wrong? I felt not being heard again.
The breakfast I spent alone. It felt sooo good. Finally some quiet time, not hearing others, only time with my self. I needed to reconnect again with my self. I felt better. In the group circle I couldn't speak up about what happened. I was just crying, especially when someone said that we are getting better at hearing everyone' s need. I felt the opposite. We could do this during the day, but not in the night. I surely didn't feel being seen.
Oh, I didn't mention yet that I had blisters from the second day on :) - luckily Remember took care of them with so much caution that they didn't grow. And on top of all this and the crazy night that was behind me my shoes were starting to fall appart. Both soles were coming off. I wasn't bothered by this much, Jack Rabbit took the duck tape and taped it well - it was surely less breathable but this managed to do the trick. And so Lilly became robocop for the next two days:).
Ok to get back to my nervousness - this morning was even worse that mornings before - we needed 3 hours to start walking, so I was actually awake 5 hours since we started walking. Unbelievable :). Good organisation skill were sure not our best quality, at least time wise. This day I realised that in the past days I put too much onto the hands of the leaders. I thought it was their duty to do that. And when they didn't do it well I was upset. Yet I did nothing to change this.
Thursday was the day I changed this. I wasn't ready to lead this day as I didn't feel so connected to the group in the begining. Soon I realised leading is more than a name. It is an action. Everyone can lead without actually having the title. By this I mean to be in charge of something, to keep something moving. I wanted us to be on time for climbing, so I walked fast. Mostly others were walking slowly and soon the tempo was stronger. They were keeping up with my speed. I talked to Forca who was leading and told him that I will keep the tempo up that day and if I need to go slower he should tell me. As we were walking on a road we could walk the speed I was suggesting easily. And it worked. We managed to be on time, after being lost at the very beginning. This can happen if too many people want to read the map :).
I must admit that this change of my attitude - to be more active and not just complain what was not working, was making me feel better. I felt more present. I took some time to stretch on my own - to listen more what my body needs and not just follow others. Lilly was getting back on track. I even started to connect with others again.
I enjoyed a game we played about 4 different types of leadership. Mine was relationship master - the glue that is essential for a group to function. I could find myself in the description. I liked it :)! There are surely some things I can improve though :)!!
It was time to start climbing. I thought I will have a lot of troubles getting on top, but I actually never fell. It was fun, I needed some encouragment from my team and told them what I needed. They were yelling : trust the shoes :)!! It was much fun also belaying - helping others to climb, being their support. Doing it for the first time felt intimidating as it almost felt like somebody's life was in my hands :)! And the zip line for the end was nice also :)!!
After lunch (we cooked only dinners, other meals were cold, yet delicious :)) we started to walk again. Soon it started to rain and I was worried what this will bring - we were just thinking to ascend one hill top and then some people didn't feel comfortable going up in the rain, so we chose to go around. I really wanted to climb that top but didn't want to push it. We were walking on marked paths which I am used to and know quite well to use the map - but not compass so much. I was helping again from the distance to navigate the map - and it was nice to participate in this also.
The rain luckily lasted maybe 3 minutes, we were really lucky with the weather. If it would have been raining I don't know if I would have so much fun. Yeah I was having fun again, it also helped me that I had a nice talk with Ingeboug there, about how I was feeling, I was ready to share with her.
I was so happy that we decided to climb that hill top, from a different path. A precious moment happened there. Shark was not feeling well, a bit dizzy and overwhelmed. We stopped. We supported her. We saw her strength, an amazing beautiful being she is. We gave her time. Soon we were ready to move on. Wow, the view on the top was speechless. Wow. We were happy. All of us. We took the time to make some fun there and I managed to pee on the top. I really enjoy peeing with a view and to do it I needed to ask them to let me (to have more privacy as I didn't feel comfortable to do it in front of everyone - we were close, but not that close :)). I started to ask for what I want!
On the top the markation path went into a strange direction. We didn't know what to do. Lilly figured out where to go, read the markations well and foung another, beautiful path. We were told we can climb two mountaun tops this day or one or none. Mostly people wanted to do one. And we didn't even consider to check out the path for the next top. I would want to go there but didn't want to push people into it. Later I was sorry we didn't even coinsider the other path because I think that walking on the other top would have been so much fun and beautiful and probably even easier that doing the path we did - going down on a bad path, going backwards quite a lot, and then ascending some more. Luckily Shark took over the timing and she was amazing at that. Clear, giving enough time but also clear about going on.
Arriving at the camp we already anticipated what would happen - they told us we won't cook this night so Shark said that we could be doing solo over night. If someone would tell me we will be doing this in the beginning maybe I even wouldn't have come. Sleeping alone in the nature is something that brings a lot of fears in me. Yet since I heard about this option this day I actually looked forward to it. Let's see what happens :).
Each was put into a special place and was given our own tart and ropes to make a small tent. When we were waiting for this I realised I didn't manage to learn any knots as we were always hurrying. No problem, Hope taught us patiently how to do it. And it worked. I peacefully tied the rope and put the tart over it. As this tent is opened on the sides it did feel a bit uncomfortable at some points, I really didn't want to share my bed with a snake. Yet I trusted that everything will be great. I even made an improvised bear trap for some food I forgot was left in my bag - I just put it high in the tree, very simple. Soon I went to sleep, exhausted and looking forward for some alone time :)!
